DAY 12 (Read Day 1 “OK, Honey. Challenge Accepted!” Post)

Not a proud moment, nor a memory easily erased when a new gouge in the car interior upholstery now haunts me each time I drive. Realistically, it won’t be the last one and obviously wasn’t my first Mom tantrum.

In a moment of weakness, I failed. Now what?

Cast blame on the child that provoked me?  Justify the snap with the stress of a child who suffers multiple disorders, 2 physically wounded children, a sick husband, a dog with constant medical needs, waning finances, lack of purpose, a dirty house… I know! Perfect opportunity to convince husband that I need a getaway. Except he’ll only remind me I just got back from a week of playing without kids less that a month ago. Dang!

Ok. Admit it, to God, myself, my children and to the world.  “I am mom and I am not perfect.” 

Now for self disclosure after much contemplation.

I fear their defiance, free will and growing independence because I can no longer protect them from the big bad world of consequences and pain. I control out of love not realizing that I am hindering the growth gained through their pain, suffering and failure.

Perfection would be the child that embraces knowledge of others failures and need not experience it themselves to solidify growth and wisdom.  Unfortunately, being human growing in grace in knowledge of Christ is about trial and error.

I failed, because I am afraid to let my children fail. I need to trust that when God says, “And we know that [He] causes everything to work together for the good of those who love [Him]and are called according to his purpose for them,” I can believe it for my children when they make mistakes.

My family is a chaotic mess of dysfunction and failings but we are in it together and I know God is creating something good in all of us.